Sunday, March 18, 2018

I Could Be Mad...

I could be mad. 

That the woman who was already finished raising her kids but didn’t blink twice about raising my brother and me, was diagnosed with cancer. 

I could be upset.

That the woman that was my biggest supporter had a hard time recognizing my son and me. 

I could be angry.

That despite the radiation, mounds of doctors,  and thousands of prayers, she got sicker. 

I could be livid.

That the strongest woman I know, needed help to do the simpliest of tasks. 



But I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong.  I was.  When I first heard her diagnosis, I couldn’t fathom how this lady could get it.  She always seemed to be invincible to me.  She has been through so much in her life to just have cancer beat her down. I was mad, upset, angry, livid and a whole other wide range of emotions. 

But now, I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for timing. Had she been diagnosed years ago, I know I couldn’t handle it as well as I am today. If my son was younger, I would be angry with the fact that he didn't really get to know his great-grandmother.  If I didn't have the support of my husband, I know I couldn't see her so helpless.  If I didn't have the friends I have now, I wouldn't be able to be there for my son who needs me more than ever.  I am thankful for God's timing.

I am thankful for my faith.  If I wasn’t as strong in my faith as I am, I would probably have turned my back on God. Hours and hours of praying and seemingly getting no where.  If I wasn’t in my church (which I’ve only been there about 3 years), I wouldn’t have Godly people in my life to help me process.  I am thankful for my faith, knowing that when she does pass, she will be with God.  

"...to be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord."

She will be there welcoming me into Heavens gates when it's my turn to go.  That when JJ heard about her condition, he was upset but turned to rely on his faith stating, “I was sad but realized God has Maw Maw in His hands.” 

I  am thankful that I’ve had at least 34 years with her, some people don't get that.  I am sad that I wont be able to call on her anymore to ask for advice, ask for a recipe, or to just vent but I am going to take this knowledge that she has given and use it everyday of my life. Do I want more time with her? ABSOLUTELY.  But not at the expense of her being in pain.

Don't get me wrong, the anger still comes to the surface.  I still can't sleep at night.  I still hold out for a miracle but I ultimately know that God is in control and I trust Him thar everything will work itself out, one way or another.  

Luke 18:27, "Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

Job 5:8-9, But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."

So I could be mad but I won't.