Sunday, March 18, 2018

I Could Be Mad...

I could be mad. 

That the woman who was already finished raising her kids but didn’t blink twice about raising my brother and me, was diagnosed with cancer. 

I could be upset.

That the woman that was my biggest supporter had a hard time recognizing my son and me. 

I could be angry.

That despite the radiation, mounds of doctors,  and thousands of prayers, she got sicker. 

I could be livid.

That the strongest woman I know, needed help to do the simpliest of tasks. 

But I’m not.

Don’t get me wrong.  I was.  When I first heard her diagnosis, I couldn’t fathom how this lady could get it.  She always seemed to be invincible to me.  She has been through so much in her life to just have cancer beat her down. I was mad, upset, angry, livid and a whole other wide range of emotions. 

But now, I’m thankful.

I’m thankful for timing. Had she been diagnosed years ago, I know I couldn’t handle it as well as I am today. If my son was younger, I would be angry with the fact that he didn't really get to know his great-grandmother.  If I didn't have the support of my husband, I know I couldn't see her so helpless.  If I didn't have the friends I have now, I wouldn't be able to be there for my son who needs me more than ever.  I am thankful for God's timing.

I am thankful for my faith.  If I wasn’t as strong in my faith as I am, I would probably have turned my back on God. Hours and hours of praying and seemingly getting no where.  If I wasn’t in my church (which I’ve only been there about 3 years), I wouldn’t have Godly people in my life to help me process.  I am thankful for my faith, knowing that when she does pass, she will be with God.  

" be absent from the body, is to be present with the Lord."

She will be there welcoming me into Heavens gates when it's my turn to go.  That when JJ heard about her condition, he was upset but turned to rely on his faith stating, “I was sad but realized God has Maw Maw in His hands.” 

I  am thankful that I’ve had at least 34 years with her, some people don't get that.  I am sad that I wont be able to call on her anymore to ask for advice, ask for a recipe, or to just vent but I am going to take this knowledge that she has given and use it everyday of my life. Do I want more time with her? ABSOLUTELY.  But not at the expense of her being in pain.

Don't get me wrong, the anger still comes to the surface.  I still can't sleep at night.  I still hold out for a miracle but I ultimately know that God is in control and I trust Him thar everything will work itself out, one way or another.  

Luke 18:27, "Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

Job 5:8-9, But if I were you, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted."

So I could be mad but I won't. 

Monday, January 15, 2018

Hello 2018

As I get older, time just seems to be passing so quickly.  I can't believe that it is already 2018.  And almost half way through January.

I have to say that 2017 wasn't the best year for my family and me.  We were definitely tested and went through some trials.  All in all we came out unscathed but as I sat and waited for 2018 to roll around, I made the decision that I would make 2018 the best year yet.

I don't normally make resolutions - those are meant to be broken.  But I did have dreams.  Or maybe I should call them goals.   

Here are my 2018 goals:

Spiritual - I want to grow closer to God and get deeper in His word.  I want to be completely wrecked by God this year.  I want to grow our youth group and be able to reach the teens in our area.

Health - We ended 2017 by doing the Keto diet.  You can find more about Keto here.  I was able to lose about 20 lbs and Justin lost closer to 25.  But then the holidays came and we went on a cruise.  In 2018, I want to get healthy.  I don't have a weight in my head but I do want to have more energy and ultimately complete a fun 5k. I joined a gym and have been going regularly.  We are also slowly getting back on the Keto diet.

Family - Be Present would be my motto for 2018.  I want our time together to count.  Maybe we won't take another big family vacation like the cruise but I want even the time at home spent being present.  This means turning off the phone and electronics that may distract me.  This means not thinking about the all the things that need to be completed but enjoying our time together. This means actually listening and paying attention to what is happening around me, to put multitasking on hold for those moments that I get to spend with my family. 

Blog - This is my diary.  I want to be able to look back on these post and remember where I was and what we were doing.  I would also like to grow into maybe vlogging for bigger events that we participate in.  I put a hold on blogging when I lost my Nikon at the end of 2016.  I haven't really been focused on finding a new camera but I have one on my phone right?  But by doing this, I mentally shut down my blog as well.  Now we will do things or see things and I will want to blog about it but I figure that I am so far away from blogging that I can't start back up.

I will stop making excuses for what happens in 2018 - I will hold myself accountable.  And hopefully be able to take you guys along for the ride here on Another Ordinary Day.